Hipster Gooner Playlist: Los Campesinos

They've really got to change their colors if they want to join the Hipster Neon Five-a-Side League. Pic via loscampesinos.com.

If there's one thing the world of the Hipster Gooner is missing, it is quality football-themed indie songs. Sure, you can make like Max and pretend that Vampire Weekend's Walcott is about everyone's fave Englishman, but songs that truly combine the skinny jeans lifestyle with the love for the beautiful game are few and far between.

Enter Los Campesinos!, one of our* favorite bands who also happen to be led by a rabid football fan. Gareth Campesinos! has described their most recent album as being about death, sex, and football. Tragically he, along with the rest of the lads, mainly supports Manchester United (though he does also support his local team, Welton Rovers FC) -- would it be too much to dream that we aren't the only Hipster Gooners out there? -- but his lyrics are vague enough to apply to any football fan who wishes Pitchfork ratings took into consideration the number of references to crossbars and pitches.

So without any further ado, these are the lyrics we'd be posting on our personal blogs or featuring on "First Match of the Season 2010" mixtapes.

FROM WE ARE BEAUTIFUL, WE ARE DOOMED (2008):
Miserabilia
I've cried on ashen floors of working men's clubs -- 96, 98, 2000, 2002, 2004 -- Oh my God, will it end?

We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed
Charlotte says, "It's more constructive than the one in Canada,
When you got drunk, ate loads of crisps and threw up by a football pitch"
I know it is, and really that's what worries me, I feel like I should hurt.

All Your Keyfabe Friends
You asked if I'd be anyone from history, fact or fiction, dead or alive:
I said "I'd be Tony Cascarino, circa 1995".

FROM ROMANCE IS BORING (2010):
We've Got Your Back (Documented Minor Emotional Breakdown #2)
Every girl I ever kissed I was thinking of a pro-footballer
(THOUGHT. YOU. SHOULD. KNOW)

Plan A
I'm called up to the Maltese national team,
My vision is impeccable, my first touch is obscene.
A World Cup qualifier finds me fifty, forty, thirty yards
From goal, a late sub on in an off the striker role

Was it wind? Did it take a bad deflection?
A decade spent nursing a fear that you might never make it?
The crowd draws breath at once it swerves to the top corner
The Sunday tabloid press declares me the new king of Malta.

With my name on shirts, your face on the cash
That every week just piles inside our bank account,
We'd rule the roost and we could start a family
I think we'd make about a hundred million bucks.

Straight In at 101
Some people give themselves to religion
Some people give themselves to a cause
Some people give themselves to a lover
I have to give myself to goals!

This Is a Flag. There Is No Wind.
In an analogy that makes sense to most, this opportunity it found me unmarked at the far post, but I blazed it right against the crossbar of the pub that you had worked in since you moved here from Bath Spa. We agreed we couldn't trust the guy that didn't like a single sport.

*Disclaimer: "our" may just mean "my."

Hipster Gooner Fashion Show: Final Photos

One more camera was at our Arsenal Party the other night. The final photos are courtesy of Joseph Hall!

Hipster Gooner Fashion Show: The Final Day of Arsenal

We at Hipster Gooner had planned a final glorious fashion shoot for the game yesterday. Then a blistering wind and general lack of planning (yours truly forgot to charge his camera) forced us inside. However, with such a fantastic win, we still celebrated a mini-fashion show with our friends at NYC Arsenal Supporters.

Chants For the 21st Century

Ever since I saw his name, Mr. Theo Walcott has held a special place in my heart. For those who don't know, the eldest of Hipster Gooners, yours truly, was never really a sports guy. For me, the introduction to the Gooners came in a number of different ways: an epic late night where I didn't sleep and saw Arsenal trounce Everton in a drunken/sleepy haze, the chants flying around Nevada Smiths that were music to my notice ears and, of course that moment in mid-October when I first saw the name Theo Walcott. Now, may semantic love affair with Mr. Walcott's surname comes from my admittedly hipster background. Educated at private school and Columbia University, the Ivy League and those Prep Rockers Vampire Weekend were no strangers to me. In fact, I took many classes with Ezra, Rostam and Chris.

So, with my own music major background bristling, I got hooked on trying to find a way to link the two together. What were the two you ask? Well, I answer, Theo Walcott and the song Walcott by those fine Columbia fellows.

The lyrics I bandied about never quite came out right... Things like:

"Walcott/Don't you know that you're Insane/Please just score. Please just score tonight!"

And don't get me started with my attempts at other hipster chants. Passion Pit's Sleepyhead never quite went right when I tried to turn it into Clichyhead and MGMT's Electric Feel is not the best song to try to sing about Emirates stadium in my own rendition of Emirates Field. And so I was ready to give up on my chant making. I just didn't have the chops.

Then I realized, that in order to make a chant for Arsenal, you need to find those musicians who loved Arsenal. Maybe they are just imbued with appreciation for the team and that would work into every aspect of their songs. With the help of my friend Jacob, I scoured the web until we found him:

Now notice the colors of choice by Mr. Mercury. Despite the fact that his #1 team was Barcelona, when it came to the Brits, he was all about the Arsenal and he clearly favored the Red & White ensemble, if not the Red & White army. Various internet searches seemed to confirm my suspicions about the leading man. So, after this, Jacob and I spent some time devising and sculpting the perfect addictive chant for the 21st century based on this 20th century superstar. Here is the best we got, done to the tune of Bicycle, of course:

"Arsenal! Arsenal!

I like to watch the Arsenal! I like to watch my team!

I like to watch the Arsenal! A win would be my dream!"

We think, while still rough around the edges, it's pretty darn good... Now I just have to start refining my Walcott chant!

Meanwhile, if you have any chants you are itching to launch about our favorite team via Hipster Gooner, just let us know. We'll throw them out there!

This Weekend in Not Arsenal

Since Arsenal decided they didn't feel like being in the FA Cup this year, we find ourselves without an Arsenal match to watch this weekend. Here's what's going on in the meantime:

• Premier League fixtures scheduled between teams no longer in the FA Cup are played as scheduled:
• Saturday: Hull City v. Burnley in a huge relegation six-pointer. A Hull win mathematically relegates Portsmouth.
• Saturday: West Ham v. Sunderland; a Hammers win would also mathematically relegate Portsmouth.
• Sunday: Wolves v. Stoke; Wolves are five points above the drop zone.
• Sunday: Blackburn v. Man United, without Wayne Rooney, two points out of first.
• Sunday: Liverpool v. Fulham; the Reds are four points out of fourth with the teams ahead of them having a game in hand. Both teams are the only English sides still alive in Europe, albeit in the Europa League.
• Sunday: Man City v. Birmingham; City can extend their hold on fourth.
• The FA Cup is also happening at Wembley. With two teams I hate still involved, it'd be nice if Wembley again hosted the Horse of the Year show beforehand to ruin the pitch:
• Saturday: Aston Villa v. Chelsea; please don't let Chelsea win the Double.
• Sunday: Portsmouth v. Tottenham; please go deep into extra time and then agonizing round after round of penalties, as to destroy Spurs mentally and physically before Wednesday. Thanks!
• Also, wouldn't it be strange if Portsmouth qualifies for the FA Cup Final the day after being assured relegation?
• Along with Arsenal: Everton, Bolton, and Wigan are also off this weekend.

Because it's going to be strange to not be drinking at 10 a.m. on Saturday, here's a list of other ways you could occupy your time in lieu of singing about Arsenal at the pub tomorrow morning:

• You could sing about Arsenal at the pub anyway! Or just root against the teams you hate. Just do it at Lunasa instead of Nevada Smiths if you're in New York. The Hammers will dominate the 10 a.m. match, followed by the annoying stream of Chelsea fans at noon, unless they decide to go to Nevadas anyway, like they did last week. Bastards.
• The weather in New York will be in the low 60's and breezy tomorrow. This means you should do everything possible to buy some sort of Arsenal kite and go fly it in any of the following locations:
• Up and down the street outside of Nevada Smiths while chanting pro-Kieran chants (again, you're going to want to click that link above.)
• Coney Island, the site of many of Max's failed (and one successful!) kite attempts this past summer.
• Tompkins Square Park, due to its close proximity to the pub at which you should have been singing all morning.
• London. Just because. But that just goes against the whole weather in New York thing I said before. Don't listen to me, I'm a blathering idiot.
• Knit your own Arsenal scarf! Just don't ask me how to do it, because I have no fucking idea. You need those needles, or something.
• Sleep all weekend. Because seriously, if Arsenal isn't playing, why even be awake?
• Play a game of pick-up football in a park. If you're unsure of what position to play, perhaps you should try central defense. Then call Arsene Wenger and tell him you'll be ready to slip right into Arsenal's line-up.
• Watch another sport. HAHAHAHAHA, just kidding.
• Wear bunny ears. Yeah, it's not like Max has ever done that after a 1-0 win against Wolves last weekend or anything.
• Come see our band at an open mic on Sunday night. Yeah, that was really self-serving, I'm sorry. But, you might get to see those bunny ears... and an AWIVDIY shirt.

Arsenal v Barcelona: An Alternative Take

Several of us at Hipster Gooner "watched" today's match through the medium of emails from John, the only one of the three NY-based Gooners to actually catch the match on a real live screen. Though I can promise you some solid recapping did occur, I'd like to share with you the highlights, for me, of the 78-email-strong chain. I think it really shows how all of us felt about the match. Presenting: Maxwell Foxman, Arsenal fan of few words.

2:45pm EST: Awesome!
2:51pm: Woot!
3:05pm: Amazing!
3:10pm: Damn Barca
3:15pm: Ha!
3:19pm: Bastard!
3:32pm: Mccark
3:37pm: Ridiculous
3:54pm: Blerg

If anyone wants to write a poem (haiku?) about today's match using these words, I would be thrilled to read it.

Hipster Gooner Fashion Show: Apparently American Edition

So let's say you need to support Arsenal the morning of the big game, but you need to hit the gym beforehand. Well, with this fine outfit from Dr. Foxy, you can just run over the Williamsburg, Brooklyn or any other bridge to the game! The white shirt (you can use any, but this one was from a recent MoCCA Festival, nicely compliments the Kohls Black Henley shirt (also optional to keep warm on those early spring mornings). Matching American Apparel Sweat Shirt and Sweat Pants give you the right colors for supporting the game and the cheap Sketchers (not shown), those are to just get you to the game. Heck you play some soccer afterward!

Your Hipster Gooner Fashion Show!

So you want to represent the Red & White Army while wearing your skinny jeans... What. Do. You. Do? In a new, occasional segment, we will provide inspiration, down to the socks, of what you could wear if you want to look good from Nevada Smiths to Union Pool...

Our first fashion brought by the Doctor of Foxyness and Foppishness: Max...

Note his authentic Arsenal scarf, located jauntily across his neck and complementing his very inauthentic "AWIVDIY" t-shirt made at Zazzle.com. This provides a stunning contrast to his gray-checkered tuxedo jacket (brought to you by H&M. When combined with his black skinny jeans (Levi's by way of Urban Outfitters) Red Hanes underwear (not shown, but for good luck), black and white checkered H&M socks and Ben Sherman dress shoes, this gooner is read ready for a night out on the town!

The Top 100 Arsenal Top 100 Lists

We here at Hipster Gooner have just hit our blog's one hundredth post! To celebrate the occasion, we've decided to put together a Top 100 list... of possible Top 100 lists... about Arsenal... or something. Anyway, enjoy!

1. Top 100 goals
2. Top 100 chants
3. Top 100 wins
4. Top 100 Andrei Arshavin facial expressions
5. Top 100 Arsene Wenger scowls
6. Top 100 mistakes by Tottenham
7. Top 100 celebrity Gooners
8. Top 100 Arshavin quotes
9. Top 100 drinks consumed by HG staff while watching matches
10. Top 100 sex allegations against Chelsea players
11. Top 100 kits
12. Top 100 post-Arsenal stories of debauchery
13. Top 100 bars to hit post-Arsenal
14. Top 100 braids
15. Top 100 Almunia mistakes
16. Top 100 times Fabregas imitated God himself
17. Top 100 times I've yelled AHHHHHHH! in frustration. This season.
18. Top 100 players
19. Top 100 times I've watched the video of Michael Thomas's goal at Anfield in 1989
20. Top 100 Theo Walcott crosses to nobody in particular
21. Top 100 saves
22. Top 100 unfair minutes of added time at Old Trafford
23. Top 100 FA Cup moments (2010 noticeably missing)
24. Top 100 pop culture references to Arsenal
25. Top 100 match superstitions
26. Top 100 times Max has left to put money in the meter in the hopes of us getting a goal
27. Top 100 important matches replayed on FIFA
28. Top 100 places named after Arsenal in Highbury
29. Top 100 names for "Arsenal red"
30. Top 100 chants of "Red Army" (hint: any match is about 100)
31. Top 100 trash talk moments at Nevada Smiths
32. Top 100 goals that would've been scored by van Persie were he not injured
33. Top 100 dubious calls
34. Top 100 penalties
35. Top 100 Arsenal-inspired chants useful in everyday life
36. Top 100 squad numbers of Arsenal players (#1. 4 #2. 1 #3. 7 ...)
37. Top 100 people who would be better in goal than Almunia
38. Top 100 female Arsenal fans NOT introduced to the sport by their boyfriends (sorry Casey!)
39. Top 100 female Arsenal fans introduced to the sport by their boyfriends (yay Casey!)
40. Top 100 Arsenal shirts made exclusively in New York City
41. Top 100 post-Arsenal hangovers!
42. Top 100 male Arsenal fans introduced to the team by their friends' boyfriends (yay boys! :P)
43. Top 100 post-/mid-Arsenal snack foods
44. Top 100 halftime cigarettes
45. Top 100 post-match cigarettes
46. Top 100 crisps
47. Top 100 Fabregas-related sex commentary
48. Top 100 Fabianski-related marriages
49. Top 100 inside jokes we have about Arsenal (see #48)
50. Top 100 perfectly placed Arsenal passes
51. Top 100 Arsene Wenger press conference quotes
52. Top 100 Thomas Vermaelen death stares
53. Top 100 strands of Tomas Rosicky's hair
54. Top 100 times Emmanuel Eboue has been rolling around on the pitch only to get right back up again
55. Top 100 times I've been convinced Gael Clichy has been replaced by a robot that's being controlled by a Spurs fan since returning from injury
56. Top 100 Alex Song bookings
57. Top 100 transfer signings
58. Top 25 million reasons to hate Emmanuel Adebayor
59. Top 100 penalties we would've gotten if Eduardo hadn't gotten blamed for 'simulation' in August
60. Top 100 times the pope told the wanky Tottenham Hotspur to fuck off
61. Top 100 moments at Highbury
62. Top 100 epic moments occurring while HG staff attempted to stay up all night drinking before an early morning match
63. Top 100 Hipster Gooner posts (this post is #17 on that list)
64. Top 100 moments during the Invincibles season
65. Top 100 things I've yelled at Almunia this season
66. Top 100 high fives exchanged at Nevada Smiths
67. Top 100 things in life I've neglected because Arsenal is playing at that given moment
68. Top 100 reasons why Fever Pitch is better when it's about Arsenal instead of the Boston Red Sox
69. Top 100 wins over Tottenham Hotspur (fine, 68, whatever)
70. Top 100 awesome moments seeing a random stranger wearing an Arsenal shirt on the street
71. Top 100 times you've been confused over the cockerel in Tottenham's logo
72. Top 100 reasons we all live in a Perry Groves world
73. Top 100 things that have made Mannone uglier
74. Top 100 Eboue chants (because there are about 600 of them)
75. Top 100 Eddie Murphy characters we'd love to see Eboue play
76. Top 100 Arsenal reserves who are still teenagers
77. Top 100 English Arsenal players (okay...that one could be kind of difficult, for recent years...)
78. Top 100 fights on the pitch (and off...hello West Ham game in October...)
79. Top 100 Arsenal supporters squished into a single Tube train after a match at the Emirates
80. Top 100 times we've missed deadlines because of Arsenal matches
81. Top 100 friends blown off because Arsenal was playing (if you didn't make it, you were number 101, we promise!)
82. Top 100 times we've come dangerously close to buying Arsenal TV
83. Top 100 "Clichy's Cliches" (from the membership packet)
84. Top 100 moments from Guardian MBMs
85. Top 100 100-email-long chains sent during midweek Arsenal matches
86. Top 100 people who are not named Arsene Wenger, as there is only one Arsene Wenger.
87. Top 100 tweets that made no sense to anyone but other supporters who were watching the same match
88. Top 100 words invented by Max that didn't make it into his top Arsenal words post (they're never-ending!)
89. Top 100 Arsenal injuries (sob sob)
90. Top 100 ridiculous chants we'll write if Thomas Cruise eventually makes the first team
91. Top 100 things William Gallas hates about Chelsea
92. Top 100 dives by Wayne Rooney
93. Top 100 penalties Tottenham has missed this year
94. Top 100 mistakes Martin Hansson made officiating last week's match at Porto
95. Top 100 jokes at A$hley Cole's expense
96. Top 100 reasons to skip work to watch a midweek fixture
97. Top 100 absolutely freaking insane things Jens Lehmann has done
98. Top 100 reasons we're by far the greatest team the world has ever seen
99. Top 100 reasons Arsene Wenger is disappointed in all of us
100. Top 100 Top 100 lists about Arsenal (meta!)

Thank you for your continued support of Hipster Gooner!

Arsenal Hell Month: A Retrospective

We've had much to say about "Arsenal Hell Month," a coincidence of difficult fixtures for the Gunners where they played an FA Cup tie on the road, then played Aston Villa, Manchester United, Chelsea, and Liverpool consecutively.

Perhaps as expected, like any good Gooners, our lives have mirrored Arsenal's performance on the pitch as of late. As such, we give you this retrospective of Arsenal Hell Month, from the lives of the Hipster Gooners:

• Stoke City 3 - 1 Arsenal
• John goes on a date with a girl he met dancing. It ends awkwardly.
• Max crashes his car.
• Aston Villa 0 - 0 Arsenal
  
• Max is scolded at work. Three different times at three different jobs.
• Casey's dating flatmates break up, making life at home really awkward.
• Arsenal 1 - 3 Manchester United
• Casey's new, expensive, cream-colored coat somehow gets wet black marks all over it.
• John helps Max move. John drops a broken chair on his foot in freezing weather.
• Max essentially goes a week without being able to sleep.
• John gets bronchitis and a 103 degree fever.
• Max goes to traffic court and not only loses, but is given the full fine.
• Casey gets stuck in traffic outside of White Hart Lane, of all fucking places.
• Casey gets a nasty email from her former flatmate saying that she didn't scrub the house well enough before moving, despite cleaning the whole house before moving.
• Casey gets harassed by drunk Englishmen while waiting for Jack to get off work.
• Chelsea 2 - 0 Arsenal
• London endures a very very cold snap.
• Max falls asleep twice on a subway ride home, missing his stop in two different directions.
  
• New York gets pounded with a snow storm.
  
• Arsenal 1 - 0 Liverpool (!)
  

Arsenal Has Named Their #1 Fan!

Well, Gooners, we've lost. Arsenal's Facebook page has declared this inanimate object as their #1 fan, based on the following criteria:

• He sways
• He waves his scarf
• He can sing FIVE chants ("Good Old Arsenal," "One-Nil to the Arsenal," "One Team in London," "We Love You Arsenal," and "The Arsenal (clap, clap, clap)")

Boy, do I wish that little guy could sing "The Wanky Tottenham Hotspur Went to Rome to See the Pope" or "Dirty Northern Bastards."

Fellow Gooners, we now know the criteria to be considered number one fan, so let's get on it!

Fabregasm! Top Five Words Based on Arsenal Names

We all know that Cesc Fabregas is a sexy man, and that's why the word Fabregasm was invented. Because the folks at the NYC Arsenal Supporters Club are such a fan of that moniker, we at Hipster Gooner have our top five words based on the Red and White.

1. Fabregasm!
2. Ebouelliant
3. Velarize (Look it up)
4. Wengeance
5. Diabolical (Pronounced Dee-abolical)

Ok. We could probably do better. Feel free to suggest your own.