News Roundup 5/6/10 - The Fixture Switch Denial Edition

"Roy Hodgson Is Very Disappointed in You" is a running feature on "Hipster Cottager." But this site is better. Pic via Guardian.

• Fulham put in a formal request to the Premier League to switch Sunday's fixture with Arsenal at the Emirates to Saturday, as they play the Europa League final on Wednesday. That request was denied, as all fixtures must start simultaneously on the season's final day. Plus, they cited that fans have already made their travel arrangements! From West London to North London? Really, you used that as an excuse? [Guardian, ESPN Soccernet]
• Three year extension for the Professor? Yes, please. Just as long as you let him spend this summer. [Daily Telegraph]
• With all ten fixtures at the same time, England manager Fabio Capello will be at the Emirates on Sunday, to watch Theo Walcott, Fulham's Bobby Zamora (who might not be fit), and surprise! Sol Campbell! [Guardian, Sky Sports]
• Wenger is rumored to be preparing a £10 million move for Senegalese center back Pape Malickou Diakhate from Dynamo Kyiv, currently on loan with Saint-Étienne. It's also said that Wenger has been tracking him for two years. [Daily Mirror]
• Does that mean contract talks are stalling with William Gallas? He's been linked with AS Roma again. They also want Eboue. [Daily Mail]
• More on Gianluigi Buffon, who we touched on yesterday: Juventus will gladly swap him to us, if we give them Cesc Fabregas or Robin van Persie. Arsenal, who would be ridiculous to give up either in this scenario, seems prepared to part with only Bacary Sagna in the deal. [Daily Mirror]
• Hey, I know we have Chamakh coming in, but how about another striker, or something? £15 million deal for Sampdoria striker Giampaolo Pazzini is in the rumor mill. [Daily Mail]
• It's UK Election Day. Don't forget to Vote Eboue! [Facebook]

Brokesmouth Relegated, West Brom Returns

Samir Nasri scored his first goal with Arsenal, and the first goal of the 2008-09 season against West Bromwich Albion, in the 4th minute. But what is with his teeth? Pic via Guardian.

Everyone has been expecting it for weeks, but today Portsmouth was mathematically relegated from the Premier League, thanks to West Ham's 1-0 win over Sunderland at Upton Park. Wigan Athletic sits in the last safe space at 17th place. Portsmouth, following their nine point deduction for entering administration sit 17 points from safety with five matches left to play and 15 potential points left to win. In an interesting twist, Portsmouth could qualify for the FA Cup Final tomorrow with a win over Tottenham one day after being assured of the inevitable.

Meanwhile, West Bromwich Albion will return to the Premier League next season, after their 3-2 win over Doncaster Rovers assured at least a second place finish for the Baggies in the Championship. Arsenal won the first game of the 2008-09 Premier League season against Albion 1-0 at the Emirates. They also won 3-1 at The Hawthorns.

Burnley's 4-1 win over Hull City at the KC Stadium, coupled with West Ham's win makes it seem like now both Burnley and Hull will be the other two teams relegated to next year's Championship. Both teams sit four points adrift of safety, but Burnley have played an extra game compared to many of their relegation rivals.

As for the vital third promotion slot from the Championship, it's decided by a playoff between the 3rd through 6th place teams. Nottingham Forest's 3-0 win over Ipswich Town has assured them a place in the playoffs, thanks to Blackpool's (in 7th) 4-1 lost to recently-assured-promotion Newcastle. Blackpool are now two points adrift of the final playoff spot with three games to play.

Cardiff City, Leicester City, and Swansea City currently sit in the other three playoff positions. Five teams from 7th to 11th place could mathematically finish in the 6th and final playoff spot.

This Weekend in Not Arsenal

Since Arsenal decided they didn't feel like being in the FA Cup this year, we find ourselves without an Arsenal match to watch this weekend. Here's what's going on in the meantime:

• Premier League fixtures scheduled between teams no longer in the FA Cup are played as scheduled:
• Saturday: Hull City v. Burnley in a huge relegation six-pointer. A Hull win mathematically relegates Portsmouth.
• Saturday: West Ham v. Sunderland; a Hammers win would also mathematically relegate Portsmouth.
• Sunday: Wolves v. Stoke; Wolves are five points above the drop zone.
• Sunday: Blackburn v. Man United, without Wayne Rooney, two points out of first.
• Sunday: Liverpool v. Fulham; the Reds are four points out of fourth with the teams ahead of them having a game in hand. Both teams are the only English sides still alive in Europe, albeit in the Europa League.
• Sunday: Man City v. Birmingham; City can extend their hold on fourth.
• The FA Cup is also happening at Wembley. With two teams I hate still involved, it'd be nice if Wembley again hosted the Horse of the Year show beforehand to ruin the pitch:
• Saturday: Aston Villa v. Chelsea; please don't let Chelsea win the Double.
• Sunday: Portsmouth v. Tottenham; please go deep into extra time and then agonizing round after round of penalties, as to destroy Spurs mentally and physically before Wednesday. Thanks!
• Also, wouldn't it be strange if Portsmouth qualifies for the FA Cup Final the day after being assured relegation?
• Along with Arsenal: Everton, Bolton, and Wigan are also off this weekend.

Because it's going to be strange to not be drinking at 10 a.m. on Saturday, here's a list of other ways you could occupy your time in lieu of singing about Arsenal at the pub tomorrow morning:

• You could sing about Arsenal at the pub anyway! Or just root against the teams you hate. Just do it at Lunasa instead of Nevada Smiths if you're in New York. The Hammers will dominate the 10 a.m. match, followed by the annoying stream of Chelsea fans at noon, unless they decide to go to Nevadas anyway, like they did last week. Bastards.
• The weather in New York will be in the low 60's and breezy tomorrow. This means you should do everything possible to buy some sort of Arsenal kite and go fly it in any of the following locations:
• Up and down the street outside of Nevada Smiths while chanting pro-Kieran chants (again, you're going to want to click that link above.)
• Coney Island, the site of many of Max's failed (and one successful!) kite attempts this past summer.
• Tompkins Square Park, due to its close proximity to the pub at which you should have been singing all morning.
• London. Just because. But that just goes against the whole weather in New York thing I said before. Don't listen to me, I'm a blathering idiot.
• Knit your own Arsenal scarf! Just don't ask me how to do it, because I have no fucking idea. You need those needles, or something.
• Sleep all weekend. Because seriously, if Arsenal isn't playing, why even be awake?
• Play a game of pick-up football in a park. If you're unsure of what position to play, perhaps you should try central defense. Then call Arsene Wenger and tell him you'll be ready to slip right into Arsenal's line-up.
• Watch another sport. HAHAHAHAHA, just kidding.
• Wear bunny ears. Yeah, it's not like Max has ever done that after a 1-0 win against Wolves last weekend or anything.
• Come see our band at an open mic on Sunday night. Yeah, that was really self-serving, I'm sorry. But, you might get to see those bunny ears... and an AWIVDIY shirt.

News Roundup 3/22/10 - The Homecoming Edition

I just hope he doesn't handball any goals. Pic via BBC.

• Thierry Henry is not happy with the Champions League draw and having to play against his former team. Neither was David Beckham in the last round with Milan against United. And then they got destroyed. Same result, plz? [Sky Sports]
• West Ham United manager and Ben Stiller look-alike Gianfranco Zola admits, after having played them both in consecutive weeks, that Arsenal are a better team than Chelsea at the moment. Meanwhile, the battle against relegation continues at the Gianfranco Zola Center for Kids Who Can't Football Good. [Daily Mirror]
• Arsenal are now second favorites to win the Premier League, after Chelsea's draw at Blackburn yesterday. That means now is not the time to feed your crippling gambling addiction. [Arsenal.com]
• After doing a medium amount of research myself, I'm almost positive that Thomas Vermaelen's suspension for a straight red card for that last man foul on Saturday will be one match and not three.
• Robin van Persie has resumed training! He might return by the time Arsenal hosts Manchester City, meaning it will be his turn to kick Emmanuel Adebayor in the face. [Guardian]
• Aaron Ramsey has resumed walking without crutches. I find that so amazingly quick. Get well soon, Aaron! [Arsenal.com]
• Transfer accusations and ridiculousness: Lille 19-year-old midfielder Eden Hazard admits he is flattered by interest from Arsenal and Liverpool, but is happy to stay in France. Eden Hazard? Ugh, just think of all of the chants we could come up with using that name! I think that's what I'm most disappointed about here. [Daily Mail]

This Weekend in the Premier League

First, some final notes on Stoke City v. Arsenal:

• Stoke City are unbeaten in 11 matches across all competitions.
• Rory Delap terrifies me.
• If I weren't a Gooner, this would actually be an incredibly intriguing match-up. Instead, I'll just be bouncing nervously.
• I say this as it pits Stoke's sheer physicality against Arsenal's precision, angles, and finesse.

Around the League, times Eastern because I said so:

7:45 am: Chelsea v. Manchester City; Stamford Bridge, London

• One of Chelsea's biggest opportunities to drop three points comes tomorrow morning.
• Chelsea will be without Petr Cech for 3-4 weeks with a calf injury...
• ...but, always willing to help Arsenal, striker Emmanuel Adebayor will be unavailable, as he begins serving a four-match ban for picking up a red card Wednesday at Stoke in an FA Cup replay.
• Also, there's the whole John Terry-Wayne Bridge thing...

10 am: Burnley v. Portsmouth; Turf Moor, Burnley

• With a nine point deduction on its way for entering administration, Portsmouth will begin preparing for next season in the Championship by playing a side currently sitting in the relegation zone as well. This would've been a "six-pointer" if it weren't so obvious now that Pompey's going down.

10 am: Birmingham City v. Wigan Athletic; St. Andrew's Stadium, Birmingham

• Birmingham went 12 matches unbeaten in the league earlier this year, but have won once in their last five as their form is slipping.
• Wigan sits two points clear of the drop zone.

10 am: Bolton Wanderers v. Wolverhampton Wanderers; Reebok Stadium, Bolton

• Another relegation six-pointer on the docket. Bolton sits in 18th, clear of Burnley on goal difference. Wolves are one point ahead of them, in 16th.

8 am Sunday: Tottenham Hotspur v. Everton; White Hart Lane, London

• Everton is the in-form team of the moment, coming off wins over Chelsea and Manchester United, but were just blasted out of the Europa League after losing 3-0 in Lisbon.
• Fortunately for them, everyone on Tottenham is sick!

10 am Sunday: Sunderland v. Fulham; Stadium of Light, Sunderland

• Sunderland may never win again. Seriously, it's been three months now.
• If Fulham puts a run together, they could challenge for European qualification. They're probably the lowest team in the table right now capable of saying that, sitting in 9th. It's a very long shot, their nine points out of 4th.

10 am Sunday: Liverpool v. Blackburn Rovers; Anfield, London

• Liverpool made quick work of some team from Romania that nobody has ever heard of in the Europa League after their exile from the Champions League. 4th place is still up for grabs.

10 am Sunday: CARLING CUP FINAL - Manchester United v. Aston Villa; Wembley Stadium, London

• Come on you Villans!

Not playing this weekend: West Ham United and Hull City, because of the Carling Cup Final. West Ham lost 3-0 at Old Trafford on Tuesday. Hull City had their match with Villa postponed.

Can You Name the Four Teams That Don't Like This Idea?

The Premier League is considering holding a four-team playoff for their final Champions League spot, contested by teams placed fourth through seventh, instead of awarding it to the team in fourth place. [Guardian]

Pompey Can't Go Bust, Says Porn Magnate

David Gold, pornographer millionaire, and co-owner of West Ham United with fellow pornographer millionaire David Sullivan, does a lot of talking. And today, he's talking about the league members' responsibility to save Portsmouth F.C. from going out of business, for the sake of the Premier League's integrity.

What is relevant to Arsenal is that if Portsmouth goes out of business during this season, the league is reduced to 19 teams and all results against them are wiped out as if they never happened. Arsenal would lose six points in the table. Chelsea, having only played Pompey once, would only lose three. The new table would look something like this:

1. Chelsea - 55 points
2. Manchester United - 51 points
3. Arsenal - 46 points
4. Liverpool - 44 points
5. Tottenham Hotspur - 41 points
6. Aston Villa - 39 points
7. Manchester City - 38 points

Suddenly, Chelsea would be running away with the league again, and Arsenal's semi-comfortable third place position would be in a little more jeopardy. The biggest beneficiary would, interestingly enough, be Liverpool, because they lost to Portsmouth.

News Roundup 2/12/10 - The Season Is Saved Edition

Here's Manuel Almunia doing what he does best: barely trying to touch a reachable ball. Pic via Daily Mirror.

• According to Almunia, Arsenal's thirtysomethings held a dressing room inquest to address the team's recent drop in form. This was close to the assumption Max and I made that the team resolved their issues with a massive bar fight. [Daily Mirror]
• Speaking of massive fights, Arsenal and Hull City were both fined yesterday by the FA for their fun little pre-Christmas get together at the Emirates. [Guardian]
• And before straying to far from the subject, Manuel Almunia still believes Arsenal can win the title. In other news, Christians still love Jesus. [Guardian]
• Also not ruling out Arsenal: Chelsea manager Carlos Ancelotti. He believes the title will come down to the very last day. [Sky Sports]
• In bad news that I'm trying to hide in the middle of this, Andrei Arshavin (hamstring) and Alex Song (knee) were both injured on Wednesday and the severity of both is currently unknown. Details likely today. [Daily Telegraph, BBC]
  
• Speaking of Arshavin, he says Arsenal can't afford to lose again. Didn't Vermaelen say that a long time ago? [Daily Mirror]
• And in quick transfer news, Derby County is looking to acquire 18-year-old striker Gilles Sunu on loan. [Sky Sports]
• No Arsenal match this weekend, which gives the walking wounded more time to recover ahead of Wednesday's Champions League match at Porto. It also means we'll be giving you a list of ways to occupy your time without the Gunners this weekend, so stay tuned!
  

News Roundup 2/4/10 - The Flabbergasted Edition

AHHHHH!!! Pic via Guardian.

• Apologies for not posting much lately, I'm currently battling bronchitis.
• Also, I've been avoiding this story: the Cesc Fabregas to Barcelona rumors have been swirling heavily since Sunday's loss to Man United. Now they even include Emmanuel Eboue on the move to Barca. [Guardian]
• More post-January window transfer news, as Fulham has entered the race, which Arsenal once led, to sign 15-year-old wunderkind striker Raheem Sterling from QPR's youth squad. [Daily Mirror]
• The Gunners are closing in a deal with 19-year-old BSK Borca (Serbia) defender Stefan Savic, after he rejected a deal to Tottenham Hotspur. [Daily Telegraph]
• "Arsenal is totally still in the title race," says Manuel Almunia. Well, of course he's going to say that! This reminds me of how frustrated I was with headlines back in November along the lines of "West Ham Will Not Be Relegated Says West Ham Captain." [Sky Sports]
• Maybe of a little more relevance: "Arsenal is totally still in the title race," says Nicolas Anelka. [The Indepedent]
  

Boaz Myhill: Honorary Gooner, Again

Thank you, Boaz Myhill
For helping Arsenal
You really have the skill
To frustrate teams with Hull

Before, you shut out Spurs
And held Chelsea to one
How rarely that occurs
The race is not yet won

Pic via Metro.

On January 16, Arsenal fans were delighted to see Boaz Myhill keep a clean sheet as Hull City surprisingly earned a 0-0 draw against Tottenham at White Hart Lane. Today, an even bigger result, as Hull stifled Chelsea to a 1-1 draw. Instead of having an eight point lead going into this Sunday's match at Stamford Bridge, the lead is just six.

This once again proves my theory that nobody wants to win the Premier League this year.

Things I Hate

Thanks to six million goals by Wayne Rooney against Hull City, Arsenal now sits second in the table, two points back of United with a game in hand. Chelsea has two. Sigh.

Arsenal 4 - 2 Bolton: We Are Top of the League!

Arsenal 4: Rosicky 43, Fabregas 52, Vermaelen 65, Arshavin 85
Bolton 2: Cahill 7, Taylor 28 (pen)

Dear Chelsea,

We are not going away.

Love,
Arsenal

WE ARE TOP OF THE LEAGUE, SAID WE ARE TOP OF THE LEAGUE!

I didn't think I'd be typing that after half an hour of football had been played at the Emirates today. Of course, this is not without controversy. Let's get started:

Bolton struck first early and this time, unlike Sunday, it counted. What I recall from this goal was that Manuel Almunia gave approximately zero effort to stop the shot. My initial reaction was along the lines of, "FOR GOD SAKES, AT LEAST MAKE AN EFFORT TO DIVE FOR IT!"

Then, Denilson's obvious penalty set up Bolton's chance to go up 2-nil, and they did not waste it. At least Almunia dived this time and got a hand on it. That said, he should've stopped it, but it was off the hand and into the net. Two-nil down with only 28 minutes played.

For the next ten minutes or so, all I could think about was how poorly this day was going (but I risk digression into my personal life here). That's when Tomas Rosicky hit a marvelous strike to get Arsenal on the board, and suddenly it was all Gunners. It looked like Arsenal might even get the equalizer before halftime, but that was not to be.

Ah, but then some controversy. 50-50 ball in the midfield sees William Gallas collide with Mark Davies of Bolton, clearly in the line of vision of the referee and no foul is called. Gallas collects the ball and moves forward with it, while Davies writhes on the pitch in agony. Bolton is incensed and play continues. Arsenal, for lack of a better term to describe their precision passing, arsenals the ball forward to Cesc Fabregas, who slips the ball through the legs of Bolton's goalkeeper (whom I will still refer to as Umlaut Machine) to tie the game. On replays, it's quite honestly obvious, Gallas fouled Davies and I think should have been booked. Arsenal also would've been more sportsmanlike to kick the ball into touch upon seeing Davies in such pain (given that he was taken in for X-rays, it could've been a broken ankle).

From that point on, Bolton's defense buckled and broke. Vermaelen put Arsenal ahead off a corner kick at around the midway point of the second half and Arshavin gave the Gunners the necessary two goal lead required to go to the top of the table after a good amount of arsenaling and an amazing finish.

Sure, Chelsea has a game in hand (hey, they could lose to Hull...) and Manchester United plays on the weekend since they got Leedsed out of the FA Cup (I'm going to stop using team names as verbs and also, hey, they could lose to Hull...), so we Gooners must enjoy this while we can.

WE ARE TOP OF THE LEAGUE!

Bolton v. Arsenal Preview Tomorrow

I don't have enough time to write up the preview tonight, so thank God the game isn't until Sunday.

That said, here's my predictions for the rest of the Premier League this weekend:

• Stoke 1 - 2 Liverpool
• Chelsea 2 - 1 Sunderland
• Manchester United 3 - 0 Burnley
• Portsmouh 1 - 3 Birmingham
  
• Tottenham 2 - 0 Hull City
• Wolves 1 - 1 Wigan
• Everton 2 - 2 Manchester City
• Aston Villa 2 - 0 West Ham
• Blackburn 1 - 2 Fulham

Now I've just made myself sad...

News Roundup 1/14/10 - The Senderos Remains Pissed Edition

Philippe Senderos cannot stop the voices in his head from telling him to leave, so he'll just go with them now. Pic via Jeorge Bird's Arsenal Youth.

• Well, this was bound to happen. As he continues to slide down the depth chart at center-back, Philippe Senderos wants a permanent transfer from Arsenal. We here at Hipster Gooner will have a longer post about the situation on defense later today. [BBC]
• Craig Eastmond inked a new long-term contract yesterday. I have no witty comment. [Arsenal.com]
• New Bolton boss Owen Coyle is pessimistic about a Jack Wilshere move to the Reebok, due to Arsenal's injury situation. [ESPN Soccernet]
• Speaking of pessimists, remember Tom Vermaelen's "if we play like that again, it's all over" stuff from Monday? Well, now Chelsea's John Terry is saying the exact same stuff. So, basically every team thinks they're done if they slide any more. Prediction: Nobody wins the Premier League. [Guardian]
• Unlike Bolton, FC Twente, which really doesn't sound Dutch, is optimistic that they can sign Jack Wilshere. Oh, those crazy Dutch! [Telegraph]
• Again, later today, a post on the state of Arsenal's defense corps. Tomorrow, a preview of the weekend's action.
  

On the Topic of Twists

We've heard both sides of the coin recently regarding where Arsenal's title hopes sit at the moment:

GLASS HALF FULL - Arsenal's ability to earn a point on Saturday in spite of the fact that they were outplayed by Everton proves that they have the resilience to be contenders this season.
GLASS HALF EMPTY - If Arsenal continues to suffer the same defensive lapses that led to Everton's two goals on Saturday, there is no chance they can win the league.

So, how does your glass look right now?