A Serious Investigation Into the World of Erotic Arsenal Fiction

Like this, only imagine it with no clothes.

Among the usual bon mots and words of wisdom in April 22nd's installment of Ask Andrey!, there was one question that particularly begged further explanation:

Andrey, do you know that some football fans write erotic stories about you with other members of your club? What do you think about this?
Arshavin: They can write whatever they want. It's up to other members. The main thing is they don’t touch my body parts ;)

(We’ll give you a minute to pick your jaw off the floor.)

Now, the world of fanfiction, and specifically slash fanfiction, is one that has managed to stay just barely hidden below the more acceptable online incarnations of obsessive fans, especially movies, shows, and bands with a large fanbase of teenage girls. The name “slash fanfiction” itself comes from the identification of these pairings as divided by a slash; the genre began back in the day with Kirk/Spock pairings, and has evolved over the years to be dominated primarily by sci-fi, fantasy, and anime films and emo bands (for mind-scarring examples see: Harry/Draco, Frodo/Legolas, Pete Wentz/Gerard Way, and so on.)

But that’s not all. Like everything else, the Internet has provided a way for every kink and fetish to be addressed in its own nook or cranny. Slash has become democratized. And now, in this wonderful brave new world in which we live, there exists Arsenal slash fanfiction.

So, as a special May Day treat, we’ve brought you a selection of these always entertaining stories, found via a quick Google search on Not Just A Game. Welcome to the wonderful world of Arsenal players having sex. With each other. Fair warning: Many of these race right past NSFW and crash somewhere in the realm of NSFLife.

For some reason, there seems to be an obsession with Cesc Fabregas and Swiss polyglot Philippe Senderos, with a super crazy number of stories featuring them. “I’m Bringing Sexy Back” features some sexy dancing from Mr. Fabregasm himself:

“I push open the door and almost fell flat on my face. I really shouldn’t be surprised but for some reason I am. Wriggling around in his naked glory is none another than Cesc Fabregas, his arms above his head, his hips rocking to side to side and him singing loudly against the beat of the drum.”

Fabregas is by far the most popular Gunner in these tales, with pairings with former Fulham player Moritz Volz, Liverpool’s Fernando Torres and Daniel Agger, and an appearance in Joe Cole’s dreams. “Stalemate,” a rare fanfic that manages to pair Fabregas with van Persie while avoiding graphic sex, has an incredibly satisfying punch thrown at Ashley Cole:

“Fighting to keep his anger under control, Robin holds his tongue and takes Cesc by the arm, preparing to lead the younger man away somewhere where he can soothe the young midfielder's hurts in private, when Cole takes one last parting shot, a vicious insinuation about Cesc and himself, and now all of Robin's self-control is gone in a flash of red because he'll be damned if he lets anyone talk about Cesc that way and before he knows what he's doing, he's dropped Cesc's arm and now he's face to face with Cole and, almost involuntarily, his fist comes flying up and there's a satisfying smack as Cole's head snaps back.”

Bendtner, portrayed as Fabregas’ lover in the short-but-filthy "And Oh..." as well as the fantastically perverse "Two Times Two", also featuring a Chelsea power couple of John Terry and Frank Lampard, finds himself in a number of naughty situations with Danish teammate Agger, including one involving a football boot (don’t ask.) Bendtner manages to step outside of his Pan-like persona in “Traffic Light,” which features a lovely, sweet first kiss with Theo Walcott:

“Nicklas narrows his eyes. “What did you say?”

And Theo finally lifts his head. The signal’s so bright, so unexpected… so green, that it virtually poleaxes Nicklas completely.

Theo swallows hard. “I said yes,” he answers, with more conviction this time. “Yes. I’m going to kiss you.”

The innocent Theo also makes his rounds in the dressing room, with Aaron Ramsey portrayed as his first lover in the self-explanatory “Virgin Territory.” An even raunchier tale is told in “Red-Handed,” with Ramsey, Fabregas, and Walcott finding time for each other “in every corner of the locker room and right in the middle. Shower? Several times. Theo’s car? Ha, what you think?”

And as for poor Andrey? Despite the question that inspired it all, the only pairing that we could find was “Try Me,” which brought Arshavin together with Russian teammate Roman Pavlyuchenko. Whatever dreams he may have of his fellow Gunners will have to continue unfulfilled, until some young supporter with a laptop and a mission inducts him into the red and white love that dare not speak its name.

News Roundup 4/9/10 - The Dramatic Return Edition

Here's Robin van Persie, with two guys who don't play for us anymore. Pic via some random wallpaper site.

• Arsenal.com came out with a great interview with head physio Colin Lewin, on the team's rash of injuries this season. Here's what we learned:
• Cesc Fabregas will be able to play for Spain in the World Cup.
• Aaron Ramsey will make a full recovery and be back by autumn.
• Defenders Johan Djourou and Kieran Gibbs will resume training soon...
• ...as will Robin van Persie!
• Here's more on van Persie's return from the Guardian. The Daily Mirror suggests that van Persie could return to action Wednesday at Tottenham, given how crucial the match is for Arsenal's title hopes. It's not like a tabloid would ever exaggerate, right? My assumption would be that he'd return on the 24th against City, maybe next Sunday at Wigan if he's lucky. The last time we rushed a guy back from injury, Gallas re-injured himself in 40 minutes and is done for the year and France is pissed. Learn from our mistaken gambles or go all in? 
• Strong words from the blond dreadlocks: Bacary Sagna says Arsenal "plays too much" and is more concerned as a team about playing pretty rather than winning. Considering the source on this article, ESPN Soccernet, I'm sure they've twisted things to blow it out of proportion.
• The Daily Telegraph blames the Premier League's "culture of debt" on their crashes out of Europe before the Champions League Semi-Finals. Actually, it was Bayern Munich's president that said it. Again, grains of salt available for those interested.
• Hey look, transfer rumors! Of course, nothing is official until the window opens in the summer, but here's some more from the Daily Mail on Marouane Chamakh's move to North London. I know they're a tabloid too, but there's a quote from Chamakh about the move.
• More from the Telegraph, this time on Arsenal's well-documented need to buy central defenders in the summer. Actually, I'm totally comfortable with Silvsetre. If this wasn't text, you'd realize that I can't say that with a straight face.
• Nicklas Bendtner and Manuel Almunia on how important it is to rebound from Tuesday's loss with a win at Spurs.
• That match at Spurs on Wednesday will be broadcast in 3D by Sky Sports. Arsenal has lost all one of their matches that have been broadcast in 3D. I don't like those odds.

News Roundup 3/22/10 - The Homecoming Edition

I just hope he doesn't handball any goals. Pic via BBC.

• Thierry Henry is not happy with the Champions League draw and having to play against his former team. Neither was David Beckham in the last round with Milan against United. And then they got destroyed. Same result, plz? [Sky Sports]
• West Ham United manager and Ben Stiller look-alike Gianfranco Zola admits, after having played them both in consecutive weeks, that Arsenal are a better team than Chelsea at the moment. Meanwhile, the battle against relegation continues at the Gianfranco Zola Center for Kids Who Can't Football Good. [Daily Mirror]
• Arsenal are now second favorites to win the Premier League, after Chelsea's draw at Blackburn yesterday. That means now is not the time to feed your crippling gambling addiction. [Arsenal.com]
• After doing a medium amount of research myself, I'm almost positive that Thomas Vermaelen's suspension for a straight red card for that last man foul on Saturday will be one match and not three.
• Robin van Persie has resumed training! He might return by the time Arsenal hosts Manchester City, meaning it will be his turn to kick Emmanuel Adebayor in the face. [Guardian]
• Aaron Ramsey has resumed walking without crutches. I find that so amazingly quick. Get well soon, Aaron! [Arsenal.com]
• Transfer accusations and ridiculousness: Lille 19-year-old midfielder Eden Hazard admits he is flattered by interest from Arsenal and Liverpool, but is happy to stay in France. Eden Hazard? Ugh, just think of all of the chants we could come up with using that name! I think that's what I'm most disappointed about here. [Daily Mail]

News Roundup 3/1/10 - The Successful Surgery Edition

Ryan Shawcross, sent off after colliding with Aaron Ramsey Saturday. Pic via the Times.

• First and foremost, don't forget to send in your messages to Aaron Ramsey.
• The surgeon who performed the surgery on Eduardo in 2008 has offered cautious optimism for Aaron Ramsey's to return to form in time, six months at the earliest. It's especially helpful (though still awful) that Arsenal has dealt with this before, recently. [ESPN Soccernet, Daily Mail]
• Stoke midfielder Glenn Whelan speaks about his attempts to console Ramsey as he lay injured on the pitch. [Guardian]
• "We will win the league for Aaron," says everybody; specifically Bendtner [Sky Sports], Fabregas [Times], and Wenger in not so specific words. [Arsenal.com]
• More later on the conspiracy theory that Arsenal is targeted for this kind of thing.
• Transfer rumor time! Jay Emmanuel-Thomas would be happy to remain on loan with Doncaster Rovers for the rest of the year. [BBC Sport]
• Tabloid reports are saying that a four-year signing of Bordeaux striker Marouane Chamakh is effectively done. Also reported is that Arsenal is one of five teams interested in West Bromwich Albion midfielder Graham Dorrans. [Guardian]

Stoke City 1 - 3 Arsenal: Reacting to Adversity

 

The Gunners gather together following a 3-1 win, rallying to support the injured Aaron Ramsey. Pic via Sky Sports.

Stoke City 1: Pugh 8

Arsenal 3: Bendtner 32, Fabregas 90+1 (pen), Vermaelen 90+4

Before diving into the recap, I want to take the time to wish Aaron Ramsey a quick recovery. Our thoughts and prayers are with the young Welshman. Ramsey fractured both his tibia and fibula, and it goes without saying, he's out for the season.

Earlier in the morning, Chelsea had lost 4-2 at home to Manchester City, so Arsenal could pull to within three points of first place with a win. I told Max upon his arrival at Nevada Smiths yesterday that I expected this match to be "an exercise in frustration," thanks to Stoke's style of physical play, wasting time drying the ball on throw-ins, and being terrified of Rory Delap's throws in general. We were also, bizarrely, surrounded by Newcastle fans for much of the start, despite the Magpies game clearly not being shown on any of the upstairs televisions (must've been downstairs.)

Eight minutes in, Stoke struck first, pretty much in "I told you so" fashion. How obvious it was. Delap fires a long throw into the box, a quick little flick of the head from Shawcross, nobody guarding the back post for Arsenal (surprise!), and an easy put away from Pugh. Max was buying beer at the moment and completely missed the goal.

At this point, despite dominating possession up to that point, Stoke had a lead a decided to drop back and let Arsenal do their thing, instead of keeping up the pressure that they had sustained throughout the start. Eventually, Arsenal pulled level on a lovely little header from Nicklas Bendtner. 1-1 at the break.

Arsenal had a few looks at taking the lead after the restart; a possible penalty for a foul on Ramsey went uncalled and just shy of the hour mark, a great strike from Emmanuel Eboue brought on a great save from Sorensen. Alex Song was booked shortly after for a push that I didn't even think should have been a foul. To make matters worse, that's 10 bookings for Song, and a two match domestic ban. That means he'll miss Burnley and Hull City, but will be available for Porto in between.

Now, to what this match will always be known for: 66th minute, Aaron Ramsey and Ryan Shawcross run at each other at full speed, chasing down a 50/50 ball. Ramsey wins the ball as Shawcross arrives late. So, instead of getting the ball in the challenge, Shawcross catches Ramsey's legs, and a horrific injury is suffered. It was terrible. Unlike Eduardo's break in 2008, Ramsey was actually facing the television camera, showing an obvious leg break immediately.

We didn't see the challenge at the time, it seemed kind of innocuous. We weren't sure at the time who the man down was, for a second (the guy next to me said it was Fabregas, giving me a minor heart attack; not to say this is any better, Ramsey is one of my personal favorites.)

There's really not much more I can say because I haven't seen the challenge close-up or in slow motion. I've only seen it replayed on YouTube, at regular speed, in semi-poor quality. It's hard to tell how high Shawcross caught Ramsey, or whether his studs were up. Didn't seem like a two-footed challenge.

Now, here is the key to this match: Arsenal's reaction. The Gunners crumbled against Birmingham two years ago after Eduardo's broken leg (which was also in the last week of February.) Arsenal went down, took a 2-1 lead thanks to a Theo Walcott brace, then conceded a questionable penalty in injury time, and captain William Gallas threw a minor temper tantrum. The league title slipped out of Arsenal's grasps that afternoon in the Midlands. A draw yesterday, on a day where Chelsea opened a door to walk right back into the race, would have been hard to swallow.

But with the game 1-1 with twenty minutes to play and a horrific injury to overcome, this match had "disappointing, title-challenge ending draw" written all over it. Arsenal did not have much time to put the injury behind them and score to take the three points. But just in the start of injury time, a Nicklas Bendtner through-ball into the area struck Pugh's hand. Definite penalty.

In December, Arsenal had a penalty against Stoke at the Emirates. Fabregas took the show, low to Sorensen's left. Sorensen saved it. With the game on the line, Fabregas's shot yesterday went to the same exact spot. Sorensen guessed right again and got his fingertips on it. But it was not enough, it was in. It was 2-1 Arsenal. A team that could've buckled over the cirumstances and collapsed like they did two years ago instead overcame that adversity, and was well on their way to three more points...

...and then scored again. After playing a short corner, the ball came to Rosicky (who was on as Ramsey's substitute) who fired from 25 yards out, sparking a save from Sorensen. But the rebound came straight to Fabregas, who flicked it perfectly to Thomas Vermaelen for the tap-in, the 3-1 win, and the three points in the standings.

Arsenal's reaction to adversity, rallying for the win, and coming together in the center circle after the match to honor Ramsey (picture above) are the keys here, and the reasons why the Gunners are now a serious contender for the league title.

Dear God, take us, not Aaron Ramsey

As I appear to be the first Hipster Gooner back from drinking the pain away, I must note the single most important/traumatizing event of the Stoke-Arsenal match this evening: the horrifying tackle on Aaron Ramsey that has led to a serious leg injury. We at Hipster Gooner have always had a massive soft spot for the Welshman, and send prayers, hopes, and long-distance cuddles his way.

More on this from Zorro Cat and the rest of the Hipster Gooner crew as the story develops.

Arsenal 2 - 0 Sunderland: Boring, Boring Arsenal?

Easiest goal ever? Pic via Guardian.

Arsenal 2: Bendtner 27, Fabregas 90+3 (pen)

Sunderland 0

What is there to really say about the result in this one? It was by no means a win for the time capsule. Arsenal did what they do best. They dominated possession, set up a ton of pretty opportunities, and scored just enough to take three points from a side that now finds themselves firmly in the relegation conversation, purely because they have forgotten how to win.

I can't say this was a particularly fun game to watch, though in actuality, it was for me for a variety of reasons that I don't need to get into here, they're irrelevant in this discusssion. I'll stick to the basics of what happened from strictly a football analysis standpoint; Arsenal was once again maddening on both sides of the ball and the Guardian recap puts it better than I ever could: "Such is the nature of this red and white beast, with its lack of ruthlessness at either end."

With Robin van Persie hurt, the Gunners lack a dominatingly ruthless striker, capable of putting fear in the hearts of defenders like Didier Drogba and Wayne Rooney can. Add Andrei Arshavin and Eduardo to the list of injuries and suddenly Arsenal nearly has nobody capable of finishing. If only Nicklas Bendtner was as good as he assumes he is as putting the ball into the net.

That being said, Bendtner did have the decisive goal, as easy a goal as he'll ever score, set up fabulously by Emmanuel Eboue, who started on the left side in place of Bacary Sagna for the purpose of maintaining a quick pace against a struggling Black Cats side. It was a lot like the only goal I scored in middle school soccer: a goal line tap in during a blowout win over Delaware Valley. I did nothing and got all of the credit. The kid who set up the situation was pissed on that day (and for the entire season). I don't think Eboue was quite as upset on this occasion.

Arsenal only really had that one opportunity, plus several others blown in classic Arsenal fashion: too many passes leading to an eventual clearance by the defense when one pass finally goes astray. Shockingly, Arsenal did put the game away thanks to the benefit of a penalty kick awarded in second half injury time; it was Arsenal's second penalty kick in 37 games since Eduardo was called out for simulation in August. With Van Persie hurt, it's now Cesc Fabregas's job to take the spot kicks, and he buried this one, unlike his first attempt on the year against Stoke City in December.

But let's not forget this came right after a golden chance for Sunderland with a free kick right outside of the box that ended up hitting the wall. One got the feeling watching this game, especially after Wednesday's disaster in Portugal, that Sunderland was always one simple Arsenal blunder away from bringing the game level. That mistake never happened; Manuel Almunia had a solid, if unspectacular game in goal, injured finger and all (he only had one questionable clearance where he punched it out instead of clearing, and it ended up setting up a break for Theo Walcott anyway) and Mikael Silvestre was by no means as good as William Gallas is at center back, but you'll notice that I don't have anything damaging to say about his performance either.

Aaron Ramsey got his first start in ages, in place of the injured Abou Diaby, but all the Welshman did was further the stereotype that Arsenal is just a bunch of fancy passes and no shooting skill. Theo Walcott started on the wing (for speed purposes, as was the aforementioned case with Eboue, plus England manager Fabio Capello was in the stands watching) but he did what he does best as well: bring the ball forward quickly and then either pass to nobody in particular or shoot wildly wide of the net.

All of this being said, it can be boiled down to this: it wasn't pretty but Arsenal got three points.

Aston Villa 0 - 0 Arsenal: I Didn't Drink Enough for This

Aston Villa 0
Arsenal 0

Well, that didn't go well.

I have to admit, it was not easy for me to keep tabs on this match. It wasn't going to be televised until 5:00, and since I have to know what's going on live, I decided to follow it from home, could not find a stream that worked for more than five minutes, and spent the last ten minutes of the match refreshing a search for "Arsenal" on Twitter to know what was happening.

Here's what I do know:

• Eduardo hurt his hamstring (I did see that happen) and will not be out for a long time, but will miss Sunday against Manchester United.
• Tom Vermaelen, on the other hand, looks to be more seriously injured. It's his fibula and it's either a nerve problem or it's broken.
• It's a good thing Arsenal might get Chris Smalling from Fulham.... oh... wait.... they failed and he's going to Manchester United next year.
  
• FUCK!
• I did see both Arsenal shots that hit the woodwork. I especially noticed Aaron Ramsey and Tomas Rosicky collide instead of shooting for the open net after Fabregas's post in first half stoppage time.
• Gael Clichy was completely outplayed by Ashley Young for 90 minutes.
  
• Chelsea won 3-0 thanks to that deal with Satan they must've made. Arsenal is now third in the table.
• Arsene Wenger spoke of Aston Villa's "long-ball" game, which caused Martin O'Neill to go apeshit insane.
  
• Also, I hear Wenger said O'Neill looks like a dork.