A Serious Investigation Into the World of Erotic Arsenal Fiction

Like this, only imagine it with no clothes.

Among the usual bon mots and words of wisdom in April 22nd's installment of Ask Andrey!, there was one question that particularly begged further explanation:

Andrey, do you know that some football fans write erotic stories about you with other members of your club? What do you think about this?
Arshavin: They can write whatever they want. It's up to other members. The main thing is they don’t touch my body parts ;)

(We’ll give you a minute to pick your jaw off the floor.)

Now, the world of fanfiction, and specifically slash fanfiction, is one that has managed to stay just barely hidden below the more acceptable online incarnations of obsessive fans, especially movies, shows, and bands with a large fanbase of teenage girls. The name “slash fanfiction” itself comes from the identification of these pairings as divided by a slash; the genre began back in the day with Kirk/Spock pairings, and has evolved over the years to be dominated primarily by sci-fi, fantasy, and anime films and emo bands (for mind-scarring examples see: Harry/Draco, Frodo/Legolas, Pete Wentz/Gerard Way, and so on.)

But that’s not all. Like everything else, the Internet has provided a way for every kink and fetish to be addressed in its own nook or cranny. Slash has become democratized. And now, in this wonderful brave new world in which we live, there exists Arsenal slash fanfiction.

So, as a special May Day treat, we’ve brought you a selection of these always entertaining stories, found via a quick Google search on Not Just A Game. Welcome to the wonderful world of Arsenal players having sex. With each other. Fair warning: Many of these race right past NSFW and crash somewhere in the realm of NSFLife.

For some reason, there seems to be an obsession with Cesc Fabregas and Swiss polyglot Philippe Senderos, with a super crazy number of stories featuring them. “I’m Bringing Sexy Back” features some sexy dancing from Mr. Fabregasm himself:

“I push open the door and almost fell flat on my face. I really shouldn’t be surprised but for some reason I am. Wriggling around in his naked glory is none another than Cesc Fabregas, his arms above his head, his hips rocking to side to side and him singing loudly against the beat of the drum.”

Fabregas is by far the most popular Gunner in these tales, with pairings with former Fulham player Moritz Volz, Liverpool’s Fernando Torres and Daniel Agger, and an appearance in Joe Cole’s dreams. “Stalemate,” a rare fanfic that manages to pair Fabregas with van Persie while avoiding graphic sex, has an incredibly satisfying punch thrown at Ashley Cole:

“Fighting to keep his anger under control, Robin holds his tongue and takes Cesc by the arm, preparing to lead the younger man away somewhere where he can soothe the young midfielder's hurts in private, when Cole takes one last parting shot, a vicious insinuation about Cesc and himself, and now all of Robin's self-control is gone in a flash of red because he'll be damned if he lets anyone talk about Cesc that way and before he knows what he's doing, he's dropped Cesc's arm and now he's face to face with Cole and, almost involuntarily, his fist comes flying up and there's a satisfying smack as Cole's head snaps back.”

Bendtner, portrayed as Fabregas’ lover in the short-but-filthy "And Oh..." as well as the fantastically perverse "Two Times Two", also featuring a Chelsea power couple of John Terry and Frank Lampard, finds himself in a number of naughty situations with Danish teammate Agger, including one involving a football boot (don’t ask.) Bendtner manages to step outside of his Pan-like persona in “Traffic Light,” which features a lovely, sweet first kiss with Theo Walcott:

“Nicklas narrows his eyes. “What did you say?”

And Theo finally lifts his head. The signal’s so bright, so unexpected… so green, that it virtually poleaxes Nicklas completely.

Theo swallows hard. “I said yes,” he answers, with more conviction this time. “Yes. I’m going to kiss you.”

The innocent Theo also makes his rounds in the dressing room, with Aaron Ramsey portrayed as his first lover in the self-explanatory “Virgin Territory.” An even raunchier tale is told in “Red-Handed,” with Ramsey, Fabregas, and Walcott finding time for each other “in every corner of the locker room and right in the middle. Shower? Several times. Theo’s car? Ha, what you think?”

And as for poor Andrey? Despite the question that inspired it all, the only pairing that we could find was “Try Me,” which brought Arshavin together with Russian teammate Roman Pavlyuchenko. Whatever dreams he may have of his fellow Gunners will have to continue unfulfilled, until some young supporter with a laptop and a mission inducts him into the red and white love that dare not speak its name.